Saturday, November 10, 2012

My Friend Was Raped While She Slept

Tonight my heart feels heavy. My friend Jill* came over to tell me she was raped. Every day I passionately talk about the need to help rape victims, to believe them, offer them support, and not blame them, but when it happens to someone near and dear to you, no amount of reading will prepare you for the shock. We were sitting in my kitchen, she drinking a glass of wine, me munching on cookies while making dinner. When the words "I was raped" came out of her mouth I held on to a half eaten cookie for over an hour. I couldn't decide if I should eat it, drop it, or offer it to her. That was my way of coping with such a horrendous confession. While she told me her story I cooked enough food to feed a small village. It was the only way I could keep my hands from shaking. But this isn't a cooking blog. I am writing this because Jill's story is all too common, and the lack of available support is depressing, so I need your help.

Jill was raped in the middle of the night while she slept. That day she arrived home from work exhausted and frustrated that for the prior two nights she could not fall asleep. She ate, showered, read a book, and took a sleeping pill. For weeks she had left her kitchen window open because her small apartment was prone to getting stuffy. She would cover the open window with a canvas painting of "starry night" so that her neighbors could not see into her home. That night, someone climbed the building's fire escape and was able to get into her 5th floor apartment through her opened window. He quietly walked into her room, climbed into her bed, and taking advantage of her deep slumber, raped her.

Jill woke up thinking that she was dreaming and rapidly realized that there was man on top of her, raping her while she slept. She tried to scream as he restrained her, but the only name she could remember was her mothers', who lives miles away and could not have possibly come to her aid.While her rapist restrained her with the weight of his body he stroked her hair while whispering "shhh...no one else is here." Jill told me that while he was restraining her he kept whispering terms of endearment into her ear. He called her "baby" and "honey" and tried frantically to quiet her screams. All this happened in her dark bedroom while she was half-asleep. She struggled until she could set herself free. By the time she was able to turn her bedroom lights on her rapist had run away, once again escaping through her opened kitchen window.

It took Jill several minutes to realize that she was not actually dreaming. In fact, the first person she called was her ex-boyfriend and good friend, who lives in another state, to ask if he had been in her bedroom. It made no logical sense that he would be there, but it was the only man she could remember having a key to her apartment. He assured her that it was not him and encouraged her to call the police.

At 3 in the morning the police escorted Jill to the hospital to undergo a rape kit examination. She waited with two police officers for 6 hours until she could undergo a full examination. When I asked her what took so long she said, "there was only one room, I suppose there were other women going through the same thing." After the medical examination she spent hours in a police precinct, retelling the story over and over again to detectives. Jill confessed to me that although the police and detectives treated her kindly, she felt disgusting and shameful every time she was asked to explain the events. She felt guilty that she could not remember what her attacker looked like, how old he was, his ethnicity, or even his approximate weight. He seemed like a shadow, and if it were not for the medical examination confirming the presence of semen in her body, she would have still been unsure of whether she was raped or not. Every time she was asked to explain how her rapist could get into her home she guiltily confessed that she had left her window open. She was embarrassed and kept blaming herself for being so careless.

Jill has no close siblings, her father passed away several years ago, her mother does not live near her, and her  older half-brother, lives in another state. That night Jill was completely alone. When her mother arrived at her side she was already too tired to retell the story and blurred the details in fear her mother would freak out; "I'm her only baby" Jill told me as she tried to explain why she did not want her mother to know all the details. When she called her half-brother he seemed rattled and upset, then told her he always knew she was careless and immature. He questioned her judgement, asked if she was sure she was not just being robbed, and then reminded her that accusing someone of rape could ruin that man's life; apparently forgetting that his own sister's life was in shambles. Jill is still struggling with comprehending that reaction, but continues to believe that she could have avoided what happened if she had only closed her window.

Jill came over last night to tell me that her rapist was caught, but that she still feels unsafe and wants to move.  An eyewitness saw the rapist climb though her window, and surveillance cameras caught him walking across her courtyard and entering his own apartment. He lived right across from her and was married. Jill says she's glad he was caught, but nightmares of that night haunt her. She has changed all the locks in her doors and windows, and even when in need of fresh air she hesitates opening the windows, for fear that she'll forget to close one. At night she sleeps with her lights and TV on because the darkness and quiet frightens her. Any noise in the night startles her, and when she gets home, she looks inside every room and closet to make sure no one is inside her home. She wonders if her rapist has friends or family members in the neighborhood, and she worries that they might try to take revenge.

While Jill told me her story I frantically cooked a million dishes, chopped all the vegetables in my fridge, and put out every snack item I had on the table. But we didn't eat any of it. I needed something to do, whatever kept me from crying. But I can do something now, I can help her move. Jill does not have a lot of money and while her job is satisfying, it does not pay well. She lost time from work going to the doctor for follow-up blood tests, talking with detectives and police officers, and going to court to testify. Soon after, Hurricane Sandy hit New York causing massive damage, flooding, and power loss. Jill could not get to work for days, causing her already dwindling savings to completely vanish.

I have offered to help Jill with money so that she can find a new place to live and pay for her security deposit, first month of rent, and moving her furniture. Thinking of Jill sleeping in the same bedroom where she was assaulted and raped breaks my heart. I  speak up about rape victims needing assistance all the time, now it's time to do something about it. I have set up a PayPal account for monetary contributions to help Jill move. We can't help every woman in this world, but if we help one we're moving in the right direction.

For those of you who can donate, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. For those of you who cannot, I also thank you from the bottom of my heart, for reading this story and caring. In times of need money is appreciated, but support and compassion is what truly matters.

I started writing this with trembling hands, and I finish it with a hopeful smile.

*Name of victim has been changed to protect her identity.

25 comments:

  1. Done! I hope she finds a nice apartment and she can heal from what happened.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Adriana! You rock, virtual hug for you.

      Delete
  2. i'm doing what i can to spread the word to as many people as i can on social media. i'm broke as shit but i'm sending a lot of love + light to both of you. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Kat. I appreciate the help in spreading the word. Don't worry about not being able to donate. I completely understand and firmly believe that compassion is worth more than gold.

      Delete
  3. Sent a donation your way Patricia. It's not much but I hope it helps her begin to heal. Sending love and light both her way and your way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am truly grateful.

      Delete
  4. So saddened by the story of your friend's rape, but also by the reaction of her brother, and the self-blame she is undergoing. No part of this horrendous crime was her fault. Wanting to enjoy some fresh air is NOT an invitation for sexual assault- nothing is. So proud of her courage in going to the police and undergoing the further trauma of rape kit testing, and so very thankful to her for doing so. She may very well be saving another woman from the same fate by doing so. Thank you, Patricia, for being such a good friend to her, and for telling us her story. Love to you both.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for reading Lynne. I am still in shock and very saddened over what happened, but people like you keep us going. Your support and understanding is really more than we can ask for.

      Delete
    2. As a survivor, I want to poke her brother in the chest and say WHO IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? WHAT KIND OF AN ASS BLAMES HIS OWN SISTER? I know that answer too well. Anger is the right reaction. People should be angry. It's a violation, a crime against humanity. The focus of the anger should be directed only at the perpetrator and whoever has the audacity to blame the survivor.

      I say survivor because your friend lived. She lived. I believe your friendship and support play a big part in that. A whole lot of trust was given to you when she told you her story and I firmly believe you are one hell of a friend for showing her the love and support you continue to do. You are a fabulous friend and I send you my own hugs of thanks. Thank you.

      I am currently posting my first blog entry at hopesurvival.tumblr.com -- I'm used to telling my stories to people, but I've been asked to share them globally. I've been staring at a blank page for about an hour, but I know I have to start. I owe it to my sisters and brothers who have been here.

      Delete
    3. Thank you for reading! And thank you for also being angry. I am still struggling with understanding her brother's reaction. It's heartbreaking to me. Thank you for reminding me that she is a survivor! It seems so simple, but I had not thought of it that way. You've opened my eyes. Also, great job on starting that Tumblr. Please do share your story, and I promise you'll find a lot of support. If it was hard for me to write this, I can only imagine how it will be for you, but you have my support! Sending you lots of strength and virtual hugs.

      Delete
    4. I checked my bank balance this afternoon and I will forgo coffee breaks at SBUX to send some money to honor your friend. Recovery is a lifelong process. There will be times when you can actually forget. Amazing, huh? Other times, smells or words can affect you tremendously. She is, and will forever be, a survivor. Period.

      It's good for you to be letting some of this out, too. It's an honor for you to be able to be there for your friend, to have the trust she has bestowed upon you. My hope is you will provide the same care for yourself that you are giving to her. Being on the receiving end of someone else's trauma can be extremely stressful. Believe it or not, some are so emotionally wrought that they will have to distance themselves to be able to put their own pieces back together. Please, treat yourself with great care. Get that pedicure. Watch the gooey movies. Walk on leaves and listen to the crunch I miss so much. Be kind to yourself; it will be one of the greatest things you can do for yourself.

      Hugs to you, dear. You deserve them!

      Delete
    5. Hope, I cannot express how much this message has meant to me. I actually cried reading it. You have such light, beauty and compassion in your heart, and it shows through your words. Thank you for reminding me that I should take care of myself, I had honestly forgotten. I have spent so much time thinking of my friend I didn't realize how much I have neglected other aspects of my own life.

      I will take your advice! My little sister is visiting from college this weekend. I'll make sure to give her a big hug and do things we haven't done in a long long time. Just thinking about it makes me smile.

      Hugs and strength!

      Delete
  5. I am pretty broke, but my word how this article touched me. Sent $5. It's not much but I hope it helps in some small way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for reading and donating. I can't tell you how much your donation means to us. Your $5 are important! They can buy lunch on her moving-in day. She can buy bouquet a flowers to put in her new kitchen. She can use it to tip her movers. Perhaps she'll buy a new notebook to write new memories in. There are so many ways in which you have helped, and for that, we are grateful.

      Delete
  6. Wow, just wow. I have been the victim of rape and sexual assault many times in my life. It is no easy thing to get over. A while back I got sexually assaulted by my neighbor. Then by a tattoo artist. I swear before he commenced I heard him and a colleague mention, "She was a prostitute" regarding me, thus they are thinking it is okay to do that. I DID hit his ass for that shit AND filed a police report to booth as well as did a blog post and youtube video EXPOSING HIS ASS!

    I know a situation like that can be very traumatizing and triggering for us to remember and I applaud her for taking steps to combat this bastard for what he had done to her, which is take her life and torture her in the worst possible way, with all the feelings of helplessness that comes with it.

    There is so much disrespect to womyn and gurls in our world. Rape is a crime of violence, NOT OF PASSION OR HEAT OR LUST as a psychiatrist who once dealt with them told me. Unfortunately the world sees it that way, always forgetting the numerous accounts of grandmothers, little girls, lesbian womyn, butch womyn, other types of womyn, homeless womyn AND MEN even who get raped and not just the "attractive" ones who the media and society will concomitantly go along with victim blaming to make everything seem "okay" by making it out to be her fault, and that ain't right!


    Regardless of a womyn's social, sexual, moral history - I don't care if she is a sex worker, educator, nun or not, NO ONE has the right to put their hands on us against our wills, NO ONE and that applies to everyone in this world!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi. Thanks for reading, and I'm very sorry to hear that you were also raped and sexually assaulted. Your passion for rape and sexual assault survivors is astounding. Please keep doing what you do! Your support is truly appreciated.

      Delete
  7. I'm a survivor as well. Kudos for this courageous woman who had the guts to report it - I'm still ashamed that I did not, and will carry that with me forever. I also censored the details and hid the bruises and injuries from my mother when I told her - I didn't want to upset her. Unfortunately, that turned out to be a mistake since it's now a family joke - she told everyone - they believe nobody should have PTSD symptoms from something as "mild and nonthreatening" as happened to me. It brings back the nightmare every time I hear lawmakers discuss whether a rape is "forcible" enough to be considered a rape.

    I wish this woman well - she's already done SO much good by being so strong and reporting it - she's literally saved others who might have been this perpetrator's victims. And he was CAUGHT. I'm tearing up here, just so proud of her. I wish her all the best - I can understand needing a fresh start in a different home, and I hope she keeps talking to friends and considers talking to rape crisis counselors or a support group - keeping it all inside is not the healthiest way to go.

    Huge, safe virtual hugs to that brave woman. I admire her SO much - she's a hero to me. (((Hugs)))

    I refuse to sign as unknown or anonymous - including my name out of respect for you and your friend - I had trouble logging in and uploading profile pic, so I'm signing with my full name and Twitter user name. By golly, when I stand up in respect for someone, I'll make it known and be counted. I've spent time both volunteering and working with shelters for women who were abused and with rape crisis centers - I'll always be passionate in my support.

    Delayne Corle
    Indianapolis, IN
    Twitter @LaynieDane

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow. I am terrible sorry for the way your family reacted to your story. I believe that the biggest hurdle we have to overcome is the feeling of shame in reporting and talking about sexual assault and rape; not just survivors, but also allies. Your words have touched me deeply, and although the attack I described in this post did not occur to me, I am grateful to have you as an ally. I will relay this message to my friend. She is unable to read this post herself because it will trigger her, but she will receive your message!

      Thank you Delayne!

      Delete
  8. Many years ago I was a Sexual Assault Responder. I would stay w/the victim during the forensic exam and follow up with them later. I suggest she reach out to a hotline at the very least. This is the RAINN online hotline. http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline
    If this is redundant information I apologize. You are a great soul to do this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No apologies needed! Thank you for the resources. I will help her find a good counselor. As of now she is receiving counseling from the local hospital, but am not sure if they have enough resources to continue doing so after a few sessions. I really appreciate your help.

      Delete
  9. I don't mean to be anonymous, but I never can get this comment things to identify me correctly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment thing is very annoying for me too! Don't worry about it, anonymous. Your message has been received and appreciated! :-)

      Delete
  10. Sent some money and spread the word. Do keep us updated; I'd like to know that your friend is able to move and feel safe again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much for your kindness. I am in the process of helping Jill find a new home and will most definitely be updating everyone as soon as she does. Your help is truly appreciated. :-)

      Delete
  11. I just want to say that this article and everything that has been written on this page has made me feel so warm inside from all of the love and support that everyone is expressing about this horrific topic. Rape and violent crimes against women, and people in general, are something that I will always feel strongly about - seeing all of these wonderful, supportive, and loving comments from people reminds me that I am not alone in my views and that there is hope for a more peaceful future. I cannot begin to imagine what rape/assault victims must go through and I am deeply sorry for your friend and the other survivors who have commented on this article. I sincerely hope that she can begin to feel better as soon as humanly possible and that she gets the emotional support that she needs.

    ReplyDelete